Olive Garden, Breadsticks

Oh you bet your bottom dollar we're having a special Juneteenth edition of Bread. That's right. It's time for some NICE and NICE and DELICIOUS Olive Garden Breadsticks. These breadsticks are just as freaking advertised. They're bread. They're sticks. What more could you want? Nothing of course, but the NICE NICE folks over at Olive Garden have given us So Much More. SO MUCH MORE. THESE BREADSTICKS ARE DELICIOUS. okay i have to stop this for a second. i'm currently at this website that has the nutritional facts for olive garden breadsticks. you know, to tell you guys. however, there's this advertisement off to the right. and i just can't ignore it. this is the advertisement:

how the crap am i supposed to read about carbohydrates with this crap staring at me





Okay I'm going to attempt to talk about these wondrous bread creations. These breadsticks are the best money can buy. You will never find a stick of bread with better taste, better quality, better better, than those you can buy from Olive Garden. I have never had a bad breadstick from Olive Garden. And You Can Bet Your Bottom Dollar I've Had A Lot Of Breadsticks From Olive Garden.

These breadsticks are like, uhhhh, like 10 inches long maybe. Could be less. They're sticks of bread, that's all you need to know. They're very nice and gold. I mean really nice and gold. These babeys are 25 karats of pure deliciousness. They're covered in this nice and FINE powdery flavor spice. I'm 90% sure they're nice garlic flavoring particles. And they're covered in a nice thin layer of butter as well. Nothing but Good.

If Olive Garden Breadsticks ran for president of the Entire Universe, they would be unanimously elected. All 7.53 billion people on this planet would vote for Olive Garden Breadsticks to be the leader of us all. Not one single person would vote for Cottage Cheese. Hard to believe cottage cheese would have the Gall to run against Olive Garden Breadsticks. How freaking dare cottage cheese. If I see cottage cheese next time I go to Everyone's Favorite Store - Walmart, I'm Going To Hurt It. I Will Hurt That Cottage Cheese. I Will.

Overall Bread Rating: 10/10

Thanks.

Bunny Bread, Original

Boy, here we go again. Another bread. Another bunny. Scratch that last one. This is the first rabbit we've had here. What can I say about this bread other than "I Haven't Had This In Multiple Years." Frankly, I don't remember if I've ever had this bread. I'm pretty sure I have. But who knows. I'll try to give it a nice, honest review regardless. Also, disclaimer, this bread is not made by or made of Bunnies. That is simply the name of the company. Bunny Bread's nice, honest slogan is "That's What I Said." Which is both ominous, and sort of aggressive.

Let's go ahead and get on with this gosh dang bread review. The bread I have chosen is the original recipe from Bunny Bread, but its official name is Large White Enriched Bread. Here we go again with all this enriching? What, does this one have some nice, honest Ferrous Sulfate in it as well? good lord help

Okay, I'd just like to add that the copyright footer at the bottom of  Bunny Bread's official website says copyright 2017. Two thousand seventeen. They have not updated that for at least two years. Does that mean this website hasn't been updated at all for the past two years? Possibly. But now I can legally create my own exact copy of Bunny Bread's official website, but to sell edible lotion. What, they can't stop my nice, honest edible lotion business. If they try to sue me for copyright I'll just say their website is listed as copyright 2017. You dang communists.

Back to the bread. This bread is nice, honest, and brown. It's very brown. It's almost orange, in fact. This is by far the most orange bread we've seen on this blog so far. I hesitate to review it's taste because I'm not 100% sure I've even had this bread. I'm pretty sure I have, but it has been a long time. Anyway, I'll try to give it a nice, honest taste review. This bread tastes.

This is listed as having a serving size of 1 (one) slice of this nice, honest bread. From this slice, you get a nice, honest 70 calories. That's 140 calories for a sandwich, folks. Honestly, that's pretty good. This bread also has only 13 grams of Carbs per slice. That's also pretty low for a bread. Overall I can say that this is a fairly healthy bread for your money. I have no idea how much this bread costs.

Overall Bread Rating: 9/10

Thanks.

New York Bakery, Texas Toast Croutons

 

For this month's completely not an April Fool's Day Post, we've got a real special treat. This post is gonna review some Technically Bread Items. And AND this is the earliest ever bread post. Can you believe it. Bread post on the first of the month. I told you all this could happen. You didn't believe me, and now this is the result. A post about croutons (technically bread). I hope you're happy. Actually, no I don't. I hope you're sad. There, I said it.

Anyway, these croutons here, mmmhmm these are- oh Yes, they are nice. They got real Jagged Edges and they taste like Crunch. They're the only living item in the history of the world to taste like Crunch. No, I don't mean that chocolate bar. I mean the Adjective. Just like what Broth is. Let me, just let me read off some of the ingredients to these here croutons, okay. "Enriched Wheat Flour." That's right folks, ENRICHED. This isn't your average everyday wheat flour, this crap is ENRICHED  (Also this wheat flour makes this a bread product you cretin). Next, in some parentheses after the whole Enriched Wheat Flour Thing: Wheat Flour (wow), Malted Barley Flour, Niacin, Ferrous Sulfate, Thiamine Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid. Apparently, that's what makes Wheat Flour Enriched. Freaking Ferrous Sulfate. Can you believe that. That's freaking iron sulfate guys. Iron TWO sulfate. FeSO4!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS. When you eat these croutons you're eating metal.

Let's get on to how these dang ol' croutons look. They're brown. Just like bread. They're like a lightish brown; kind of appetizing looking, I guess. This particular brand of croutons is actually Freaking Huge. Like you put three of these bad boys in your salad and they take up more room than the lettuce. It's kind of ridiculous. Like, yeah that's cool I guess. But, honestly, I'd rather have more, smaller croutons than just a couple massive ones. I mean, let's be honest here, no one wants another Huge Reba Incident.

Overall bread rating: 9/10

Thanks.

Brownberry, Oatnut

Oh my oh dear oh goodness it's that time of the month again. "But it's so late in March, I almost died of starvation waiting for you to post!!!" Listen, I hear your pleas. And, frankly, you didn't deserve a post earlier in the month. You get what you pay for, and gosh dang you're not paying me a CENT. Anyway, the real reason I'm waiting this late in the month to post is because I Couldn't Be Bothered To Post Earlier. HOWEVER, to make it up to all you fine, bread-loving folks out there, I'm going to finally talk about my FAVORITE EVER store bought brand of bread. That's right! This is it! This is the one! That bread is: BROWNBERRY, OATNUT.

Brownberry Oatnut is the best bread I have ever tasted with both of my mouths. And, let me tell you folks, that's 100% more mouths than I let the normal bread variety even get near. This Is One Delicious Bread. The term "OATNUT" absolutely lives up to its name. This bread has a very nice woody taste, and it is very high quality. It also has seeds SEEDS on top. It's like it was picked straight off the oat vine. and AND this bread comes in a bag INSIDE IT'S MAIN BAG so you know it's fresh.

This bread is superior in Taste, of course, but what about looks? The dark browness of this bread puts it way above the rest of the breads I have reviewed thus far. The lighter colored seeds on top complement the dark brown very well. The rectangular shape of the overall, full bread loaf really give it a nice modern, geometric look. Overall, this bread is more aesthetically pleasing than all previous breads I have reviewed combined.

If I had the choice of buying this Brownberry Oatnut bread, and getting a free Gold Bar from Fort Knox, I would of course choose the gold bar. I mean, gold doesn't lose its value. HOWEVER, I would have to consider getting this bread instead of the gold bar. But, to be honest, I would most likely choose getting the gold bar instead of taking a trip to my local Grocery Store for some of this bread. Nevertheless, this bread is great fantastic.

Overall bread rating: 10/10

Thanks.

Brownberry, Premium Italian

 

It's everyone's favorite time of the month. That's right. Bread time. During this month's bread post, I talk about a bread that I have some significant experience with. That's right. It's Brownberry's Premium Italian bread. It's Not Italian. But boy howdy does this thing Taste. Brownberry is a Wisconsin based bread company, and they own this bread type. That's right. It's There's. I'd also like to mention, again, that this is not my favorite store-bought bread. Trust me, you'll know when I review my favorite store-bought bread. You'll know.

Brownberry Premium Italian is a quality bread. It really is. This bread makes good sandwiches. A quality one would expect a good bread to have. Brownberry claims that this bread type contains NO artificial colors or flavors and NO high fructose corn syrup? Are these good things? Who knows. Who Cares. This is bread we're talking about. You can toast that sucker, you can eat that sucker, heck, you can even toast AND eat it. And there's nothing artificial about that.

This bread tastes pretty good, honestly. There's nothing super EXCITING about the taste of this bread, but it's good bread. No, it's not Nacho Cheese flavor. It's not Taco Bell Mild Sauce flavor. This bread is bread flavor, and it shows. Slices are kind of thin, but other than that, it's pretty good. I don't really have much else to say about the taste but BUT it's good.

This bread is Gold. I mean in color. It's by far the most yellow bread this site has ever reviewed. But you know what, that's fine. Italy is famous for their yellow bread. You can ask any Italian, "what color is your bread?" You know what they'll say? They'll probably say something like: Non avvicinarti mai più a me. And that's beautiful. Well, that's about all I have to say about this bread type. It's a good bread. Nothing exciting, no bells and whistles. Just a classic, Not-from-Italy Italian bread. I've bought this bread before and by golly I'll do it again.

Overall bread rating: 9.19/10

Thanks.

Wonder Bread, Whole Wheat

I completely understand what you're thinking. You're thinking something like, "oh wow really two posts about a wonder bread product what the crap does this guy freaking love wonder bread or what is this guy's favorite freaking bread company wonder bread i mean what gives!" Well, much to the surprise of the Vatican, none of these Wonder Bread products are my favorite type of bread. No.. not even close. I'm gonna level with you here. I don't know Wonder Bread personally. I don't know what kind of company Wonder Bread Incorporated is. They could be the best company in the entire world; they could donate 190% of their profits to the Red Cross. I have no idea!!! And I don't care. At all. I'm here to talk about bread, and by golly Wonder Bread sells bread. 

Wonder Bread Whole Wheat variety is a bread that packs a punch. It's got a kick to it. This is One Hearty Bread. If you thought Classic White was brown in color, just wait til you see this bread! This is one of those breads where you can look at it and think, "This bread is brown." And it is. This whole wheat bread is a great bread for any occasion: sandwich time, a friends wedding in Texas, a local ice storm, Poland in 1938. The possibilities are endless. 

Personally, I like this bread more than the classic white kind. It tastes pretty good. However, I will reiterate this fine point: this is not my favorite store-bought bread. The Wonder Bread Classic White is also not my favorite store-bought bread. I will make a post concerning my favorite store-bought bread in due time. Don't you worry. Anyway, this bread tastes pretty good. It's thick, but tasty. It tastes. 

Do I even have to mention the shape of this bread? It's nearly identical to the last bread. I'm gonna coin this shape the Wonder Shape. It's your stereotypical bread shape that you'll find in basically all store-bought breads. In fact, some circles look down on bread that isn't this shape. I hate those circles. Those circles are Demonic. You absolutely have to have an open mind concerning bread. If you don't you're no better than Salad. 

Overall bread rating: 9.18/10

Thanks.

Wonder Bread, Classic White

Okay, okay. Okay. I know what you're going to say. I can hear you. It's fine. You're wondering why in the South Dakota Champion of Cuisine that Wonder Bread's Classic White variety bread is the first ever Hashtag Bread Of The Month. Listen, I wanted to start of strong. I wanted to start off with a bread that everyone could understand and relate to. Sure, Wonder Bread's Classic White may not be everyone's cup of bread, but no one can deny it's tenure. Literally. And, no, I'm not going to elaborate.

There are a countless number of breads out there that just make you think, "sandwich." But, there are few breads out there that make you think, "SANDwich." And this is one of those breads. Wonder Bread Classic White is a great bread for a sandwich. You can smack cheese, salami, more cheese, ham, bacon, literally sliced food you want onto this thing and you're good to go. Heck, you could even stick a slice of Wonder Bread Classic White between two of these bad boys and have yourself a bread sandwich. I would.

Let's buckle down here for a second, ladies and gentlemen. It's time to talk about the taste of this bread. Boy howdy, the taste. This bread tastes Pretty Good. No, it's not gourmet bread, crafted by Thomas Bread atop the Skybakery baking bread for the good of the Bread Legion. This is a simple bread, with a simple, but good, taste. This bread is probably not a bread you could eat by itself and feel like you just met the Food King. I mean, I would eat this bread by itself, but that's just me. This bread is best served with some other food, like lunch meat. You know, typical bread compliments. Not mustard.

The color of this bread is one you would typically see on a bread of this kind. Brown. The middle of the bread is a lighter shade of brown with the crust being a darker shade of brown. These earthy tones really bring out the red, white, blue, and yellow packaging as supplied by Wonder Bread. Bread is typically brown, so this one fits the bill here.

The shape of the bread is basically what you would call a Bread Shape. It's got that squareish bottom, with the little roof-top rounded part at the top. This is to be expected with most factory-made breads. The shape really isn't that important anyway. If we had to worry about the shape of foods, we wouldn't be eating bacon would we?

Overall bread rating: 9/10

Thanks.