Subway, This Stuff

 

 

Oh no oh my help oh geez well it's Halloween again. This year, I thought I would choose the scariest bread of them all: Any Bread From Subway. These breads are clearly Not Healthy. In fact, look at this headline I just found.

BREAD.

They put rubber in their bread until That Article Was Published. Can you believe that??? Isn't this just the SPOOKIEST thing you've ever seen?????

Listen, I know you don't care about Subway bread. You're just planning on reading two more paragraphs of how gross this bread is, only to find that I've rated it 9 out of 10. I know. It's what you do. Instead, however, how about I post some spooky, Halloween photos I found.

 

IF THESE AREN'T SPOOKING YOU THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL

 

I don't even know what this last one is supposed to be

 

Overall bread rating: 9/10

Thanks.

Longhorn Steakhouse, Honey Wheat Bread

Oh no it's that time of the month again time for me to wait until the very last available second of the month to post another review on another type of bread only to waste everyone's time by writing a terrible run-on sentence and then force you to read it. Now's the time! The time! For Bread! This month, we have another pre-meal bread that comes from a restaurant. This is the Longhorn Steakhouse variant.

This is one HECK of a tasty bread, folks. This is a bread you could frame for a crime, and then YOU get in trouble. Nothing about this bread can do wrong in the eyes of the law. This bread has impunity. This is just one of those Immaculate Breads, folks. First of all, the texture of the bread is absolutely perfect. I mean, this is a texture you'd want in a bread. For a bread, the texture of the Longhorn Steakhouse Honey Wheat Bread is what you want to shoot for. 

Secondly, the color is also nice. It's a dark brown, symbolizing the wheatness of it. No white in this bad boy. Wheat Only. Glutens Galore. If you want the bread to be whiter, smack some butter on it. That's all you need to do. Maybe spray paint it white. Don't do that. Do not do that. Not only will that ruin the taste, but it will absolutely ruin the taste!

I couldn't really find much nutritional information on this bread. And by couldn't, I mean didn't. I know exactly where to get it, but I won't do it. This bread's makeup will remain a mystery to me and all of humanity. By the way, the only humanity that exists in my view is the one where this blog is their only source of information.

Overall bread rating: 10/10

Thanks.

Dairy Queen, Texas Toast

Welcome back to your home for bread related bread. That's right. It's bread. I've waited as long as I possibly could, but the time has finally come. This month features a new kind of Texas Toast. Cutting edge technology, this toast is so Texas it's not even from Texas. That's right. This is the Texas Toast you get with some meals from Dairy Queen. 

Now I know what you're thinking, "how can this be from Dairy Queen this isn't ice cream bread!" You're right. How CAN this be from Dairy Queen? Don't they only serve ice cream? To answer this question, I did a bit of research. APPARENTLY, Dairy Queen started selling not-frozen food in 1995. First I've heard of this. Anyway, if you go and buy one of their famous Chicken Strip Basket meals, you'll get a couple pieces of their famous Generic Texas Toast. Quick a slick deal.

The toast itself doesn't taste that Texasy, to be honest. Tastes mostly like toast. It's coated in what I like to call a Heavy Butter Layer, which does detract from the crispiness of the toast. This makes it taste pretty good though, honesty. I would probably rename this from Texas Toast to Buttered Toast, because this toast truly does not resemble Texas in the slightest. As far as side items that no one notices, this is pretty good. This bread is Nice.

I'm glad we had this discussion today. We talked about bread, Texas, and bread. There was also this part in the middle about Dairy Queen and the mid-nineties. I apologize for that. It was my mistake bringing up that generation. Oh crap, speaking of 1995! That's when Horton Foote won the Pulitzer Prize! Who could forget that guy! Foote!

Overall bread rating: 9.51/10

Thanks.

Colton's Steak House, Yeast Roll

It's time, once again, for everyone to enjoy some bread related content. This time, we're featuring another pre-meal restaurant bread. These are the Yeast Rolls from Colton's Steak House. Now, I know what you're thinking. Who In Their Right Mind Would Name Something Yeast Rolls? I don't have the answers you seek, but I do have some bread information.

These are some pretty good yeast rolls. They're roundish, warm, and sometimes have butter on them. What more could you want? They have a good texture. The tops of these rolls have been buffed to that new-car shine. And the smell! They have one. Colton's Steakhouse claim these are homemade. How are they homemade? Did John Colton, CEO and Baker of Colton's Steakhouse make these rolls himself in his kitchen in northern Maine? Not even John Colton couldn't make enough rolls to supply his many restaurants. Maybe they mean the restaurant itself baked these rolls. Like the physical building. "They're homemade as in the home made them," is what they'd say.

You can't go wrong with the taste of these yeast rolls. They are Pretty Good, I'd say. some might even say Good. They have that Nice taste that you'd expect from something that tastes Good. Put some butter on these bad boys to make even MORE light reflect off them. This also enhances the taste. If you like shiny things that also taste good, you're in luck! The ol' Wide Eye Welder himself polished these bad boys up to a shine you can't look at without damaging your retinas.

These rolls have 120 calories each. However, from Colton's very own Meal Nutrition Calculator, I found that a meal of 16 rolls (and nothing else) contained a total of 1913 calories. Where are the other 7 calories. I was promised Seven Additional Calories that I have not yet received. Who cares if this 16-roll-meal has 112% of my daily iron, you're skimping out on the 7 calories I have Earned. You Will Hear From Me Again.

Overall bread rating: 9.77/10

Thanks.

Walmart Bakery, Everything French Bread

 

We're back with more end-of-the-month bread for everyone! No mention whatsoever of the Covid. None. This Bread Blog is a Covid Free Zone. Anyway, we got a great bread in store for you today, and this one comes from everyone's favorite grocery store chain. This is the Everything French Bread from Walmart Bakery. That's right ladies and glaze, Walmart Bakery. This bread is baked right from the comfort of your own local highly metallic and less than clean kitchen of disgruntled, underpaid workers. You Love It. 

Honestly though, this bread is delicious. This is a fantastic bread. If you like bread, this bread is bread. I waited the whole month to let you know about how bread this bread is, and it's really very bread. And guess what, this bread costs ONE DOLLAR. THIS IS ONE DOLLAR BREAD. This bread's taste to dollar ratio is extremely favorable!

This bread is very good. This is a good bread. This bread has a nice breadly color, feel, and taste. It's also coated in a thick top-layer of various seeds. According to the Walmart Bakery website, these are poppy and sesame. But! They also list "toppings" as an ingredient.

 

So, make of that what you will. These seeds really add to the flavor of the bread though, and it is a Great flavor. This bread is perfect eating it by itself. But, if you decide to go crazy and put garlic on it and then Toast it, boy howdy you've got yourself some real classy bread!

This bread features 26% of your recommended daily sodium intake with every serving. And there's eight servings per loaf!! Sit there and eat 208% of your daily sodium in one sitting!!!! This bread is really good though. If you don't feel like eating asbestos, but instead feel like eating a really good bread, this bread's for you.

Overall bread rating: 10/10

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Panera Bread, French Baguette

Oh now well ain't this a surprise. Another late-month post about bread. What next? A surprising amount of hyperbole? Yes.

Anyway, this bread comes from everyone's favorite fastish food restaurant that starts with P. Panera Bread. This is their self-titled "French Baguette" bread that usually comes on the side with a soup or something. Is this bread French? Heck no probably not. Does this bread have anything to do with France? Gosh I don't know, but probably not again. This is Bread, and its nationality is a mystery.

Let's talk about the texture of this bread for a second. They might as well be calling this the "French Boulder" because that's how it feels to bite into one of these babies. Sure, they taste great, very bread-like, but once I get over the fact that my teeth have shattered trying to bite into this thing I tend to forget the taste. These baguettes are Tough. These are Tough Dang Baguettes. These baguettes have body armor, and You Can't Eat Body Armor.

These are really good though. They are great to dip into a Classic Soup Or Chowder. And! They don't get soggy! That's because they're made of steel. I really enjoy eating these breads and also denting my drywall with them. Accidentally drop one of these on the ground? Better hope that's carpet down there or you better get somebody to come replace the tile.

Now listen, I don't have all the answers. But if someone going down the interstate threw one of these out their window, it could cause severe injury or death. You'd need a whole new branch of personal injury lawyers. Bread Contusion Lawyers. You could get a concussion from these things!!!! Also, they're only like 180 calories.

Overall Bread Rating: 9.9003/10

Thanks.

S. Rosens, 100% Whole Wheat

Ha! You thought I'd do another April Fools Bread Post like a did last year! Jokes on you, loser, I waited to post on the last day of April instead of the first day. Anyway, we're back with more bread. It's bread time, babey. Gotta have that wheaty distraction in these corona-laden times. And no, that's not a terrorist disease.

This month's bread is from a company I have not yet reviewed. S. Rosens. What does the "S" in S. Rosens stand for? Good Question. If you thought it had anything to do with Harvey Sheldon Rosen, 22nd Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisors from February 2005 to June 2005 under President George W. Bush, you'd be wrong. According to the S. Rosens website, the company was apparently founded by some dude named Sam Rosen. Can you freaking believe that? In 1909 no less! I'm going to now directly quote a section of their history page:

"Rosen came to the U.S. at age 13, opened his own bakery in New York at 16, and helped organize the first bakers union in that city. That activity cost him the hearing in one ear after a strikebreaker hit him over the head."

End of first history paragraph. What a freaking power move that paragraph was. But how about that Sam Rosen guy, eh? Pretty tough dude. Not ONLY did he make some bread, he also had to do it with only one working ear. That's right, the bread I'm reviewing today came from the ripe ol' hands of Sam "One-Working-Ear" Rosen.

The bread I've chosen from S. Rosens is their 100% Whole Wheat variety. This is a very tasty bread. It's got great texture, color, bread flavor, and sesame seeds. And you bet your bottom bread dollar that this has wheat gluten in it. This bread also includes an ingredient which they list as DATEM. No other explanation for that. Just DATEM. What The Crap Is A Datem. Hopefully it's not harmful. This bread also contains that classic 1.04% of your daily Iron! Only 0.06% daily riboflavin though, smh 😒😒😒

Overall Bread Rating: 9.89/10

Thanks.

Fazoli's, Breadsticks

 

Okay now you listen here you absolute Bulb. It's March 30th, and everything is closed. You go to prison if you go outside. It's just that time of the year. Anyway, I hope you got your celebration in early, because now you're stuck reading a post on a blog about bread. This month's victim is known as Fazoli's Signature Garlic Breadsticks. Or, as I like to call them, Breadsticks. Now, these are the second tubular thin shaped bread I have featured on this blog. No, these are not as good as the ones from Olive Garden. It's not prejudice, it's the truth. However, these particular breadsticks are nothing at which to Scoff.

John Fazoli, CEO of Fazoli Italian Fast Food Restaurants Incorporated, really made some good breadsticks here. These are very tasty, as far as breadsticks are concerned. I would say that they taste slightly more garlicy than their brethren from Olive Garden. I would also say that they don't taste as high quality bread. This is no doubt because Fazoli's is a fast food restaurant, and Olive Garden is a small piece of Italy right in your own backyard.

Speaking of Italy, it's cancelled for the foreseeable future. You cannot go there, it cannot come here. You and Italy are both stuck to wallow in your own Marinara Sauce Filth. In fact, these breadsticks would be great to dip into some red marinara sauce. I'm not particularly a huge fan of that myself, though. I prefer to enjoy the taste of the bread itself without the extra flavored offered from a quote "Dipping Sauce." But that's just me.

When desperately trying to think of something to write about in this final paragraph, I decided to list off some nutritional facts about these breadsticks. Listen, ya'll, we're all concerned about our health nowadays. We basically have to cut off our hands to prevent the spread of the super flu-pneumonia hybrid ravaging the streets. Thankfully, these breadsticks are 130 calories each. Perfect for being divisible by ten. Did I hear 320 milligrams of sodium in these bad boys??? You bet I did! One Gram Of Sugar.

Overall Bread Rating: 9.76/10

Thanks.

Wonder Bread, Classic Hot Dog Buns

Holy CRAP everyone holy CRAP it's that time already. This month feels shorter than normal Oh Wait It Is. Anyway, this is a special, leap-day bread post. And to celebrate this special occasion, I have picked a super special awesome bread to review. By super special awesome bread, I of course mean the Most Stereotypically Mediocre Bread There Ever Was. This is the Wonder Bread Classic Hot Dog Bun. This bread is absolutely nothing special. There is not a single thing to be excited about when it comes to this bread. Can it hold hot dogs? Yeah, sure. Do you want it to hold a hot dog, though? Not especially. Almost any bread can be coupled with a hot dog. Just because these particular breads are designated as "Hot Dog Eligible" doesn't mean you are obligated by that rule. Like who cares. These are buns. So What.

Picture this scenario: You're invited to a barbecue by an acquaintance of yours. You don't particularly like this person, but you also don't want to be rude. You begrudgingly accept the invitation to go to the barbecue at noon on Saturday. Freaking Noon. You're whole weekend is shot and it's only Wednesday. Saturday rolls around and you pull up to their house at 11:33am. Your anxiety prevents you from arriving anywhere without being at least 20 minutes early. You sit in your car for a few minutes before walking to the house because you don't want to seem like you're super excited to go to this freaking lame barbecue. It's 11:51 and you decide to walk up to the door. As you walk up you smell food. You think to yourself, "yeah, that's a food smell." You knock on the door and are greeted happily. Upon entering the house you see three massive bowls of pasta salad. You don't even like pasta salad that much. Why the crap is there so much pasta salad? Who is this for? Next to that bowls, however, you notice something else. Something Sinister. It's A Bag Of Wonder Bread Classic Hot Dog Buns. As you see these buns you know in your heart that this barbecue will not be something you're going to enjoy.

Anyway, these buns are nothing special. They taste exactly how you'd expect. Like buns. If Bun was a taste these would taste like that. Now, listen to this: These buns have 130 calories. 130 Calories Per Bun, everybody. That's too many. That's too many calories and too many buns. There is 1.6 milligrams of iron in each bun, and 130 calories per. Ridiculous. How could Wonder Bread stoop so low as to offer a 130 calorie, 1.6 milligram iron hot dog bun option? Who approved this? Doug Wonder, CEO of Wonder Bread? No one knows. There is also folic acid in this.

To recap, this bread is nothing special. Sure, if you want a cheap hot dog bun to put hot dogs on, you could buy this. You could also buy a forklift. Sure, they're dramatically more expensive, but you're worth it. Treat yourself. A forklift is sixty times better than this bread. But it's not like this bread bun tastes bad or anything, it just tastes average. It's the average bun. Nothing special. Wonder Bread more like Blunder Bread Am I Right L

Overall bread rating: 9/10

Thanks.

Bob Evans, Pumpkin Bread

It's that time of the season again everyone. And I'm not saying that just because the particular time of season I am referring to has long since passed. I'm saying that because TODAY is everyone's favorite holiday Rattlesnake Roundup Day!!!!! That's right everyone! For celebration of Rattlesnake Roundup Day, I decided to write a bread review concerning rattle snake's favorite type of bread, Pumpkin Bread. This particular pumpkin bread is made by Bob Evans, every rattlesnake's favorite breakfast restaurant.

This pumpkin bread is pretty good, guys. It's got the right amount of pumpkin and the right amount of bread. This bread is the perfect amalgamation of huge orange squash and a Bread. If you have ever gotten the urge to eat a pumpkin and also a bread, this pumpkin bread is perfect for you. This bread has the qualities of both pumpkins and bread. First of all, this bread looks like bread. Secondly, it has a slightly orange tint to it (pumpkin quality). Thirdly, it tastes sort of like pumpkin, but also sort of like bread. Truly a remarkable invention that has captivated the thoughts of rattlesnakes all over the world.

Bob Evans did a great job crafting this bread. However, this bread is a limited edition item. It is usually only available during the Thanksgiving time area in late November. This offends not only me but also my hearing. Bob Evans not only ignores Rattlesnake Roundup Day but not making rattlesnake's favorite bread available during their dedicated holiday, but it affronts the rattlesnakes themselves. If I was a rattlesnake, I would picket Bob Evans until they are forced to renounce their Ohio heritage. They are headquartered in Ohio, after all.

Honestly though, this is a pretty good bread. Much more sugar than the average bread, which may not be to your liking, but it tastes very taste. It's got the bread, it's got the pumpkin, what more could you want? I know what more I could want: rattlesnake appreciation. Pumpkins can grow to be over two thousand pounds in weight, and this bread can grow up to two thousand tastes for your mouth.

Overall bread rating: 9.50/10

Thanks.