Fazoli's, Breadsticks

 

Okay now you listen here you absolute Bulb. It's March 30th, and everything is closed. You go to prison if you go outside. It's just that time of the year. Anyway, I hope you got your celebration in early, because now you're stuck reading a post on a blog about bread. This month's victim is known as Fazoli's Signature Garlic Breadsticks. Or, as I like to call them, Breadsticks. Now, these are the second tubular thin shaped bread I have featured on this blog. No, these are not as good as the ones from Olive Garden. It's not prejudice, it's the truth. However, these particular breadsticks are nothing at which to Scoff.

John Fazoli, CEO of Fazoli Italian Fast Food Restaurants Incorporated, really made some good breadsticks here. These are very tasty, as far as breadsticks are concerned. I would say that they taste slightly more garlicy than their brethren from Olive Garden. I would also say that they don't taste as high quality bread. This is no doubt because Fazoli's is a fast food restaurant, and Olive Garden is a small piece of Italy right in your own backyard.

Speaking of Italy, it's cancelled for the foreseeable future. You cannot go there, it cannot come here. You and Italy are both stuck to wallow in your own Marinara Sauce Filth. In fact, these breadsticks would be great to dip into some red marinara sauce. I'm not particularly a huge fan of that myself, though. I prefer to enjoy the taste of the bread itself without the extra flavored offered from a quote "Dipping Sauce." But that's just me.

When desperately trying to think of something to write about in this final paragraph, I decided to list off some nutritional facts about these breadsticks. Listen, ya'll, we're all concerned about our health nowadays. We basically have to cut off our hands to prevent the spread of the super flu-pneumonia hybrid ravaging the streets. Thankfully, these breadsticks are 130 calories each. Perfect for being divisible by ten. Did I hear 320 milligrams of sodium in these bad boys??? You bet I did! One Gram Of Sugar.

Overall Bread Rating: 9.76/10

Thanks.

Wonder Bread, Classic Hot Dog Buns

Holy CRAP everyone holy CRAP it's that time already. This month feels shorter than normal Oh Wait It Is. Anyway, this is a special, leap-day bread post. And to celebrate this special occasion, I have picked a super special awesome bread to review. By super special awesome bread, I of course mean the Most Stereotypically Mediocre Bread There Ever Was. This is the Wonder Bread Classic Hot Dog Bun. This bread is absolutely nothing special. There is not a single thing to be excited about when it comes to this bread. Can it hold hot dogs? Yeah, sure. Do you want it to hold a hot dog, though? Not especially. Almost any bread can be coupled with a hot dog. Just because these particular breads are designated as "Hot Dog Eligible" doesn't mean you are obligated by that rule. Like who cares. These are buns. So What.

Picture this scenario: You're invited to a barbecue by an acquaintance of yours. You don't particularly like this person, but you also don't want to be rude. You begrudgingly accept the invitation to go to the barbecue at noon on Saturday. Freaking Noon. You're whole weekend is shot and it's only Wednesday. Saturday rolls around and you pull up to their house at 11:33am. Your anxiety prevents you from arriving anywhere without being at least 20 minutes early. You sit in your car for a few minutes before walking to the house because you don't want to seem like you're super excited to go to this freaking lame barbecue. It's 11:51 and you decide to walk up to the door. As you walk up you smell food. You think to yourself, "yeah, that's a food smell." You knock on the door and are greeted happily. Upon entering the house you see three massive bowls of pasta salad. You don't even like pasta salad that much. Why the crap is there so much pasta salad? Who is this for? Next to that bowls, however, you notice something else. Something Sinister. It's A Bag Of Wonder Bread Classic Hot Dog Buns. As you see these buns you know in your heart that this barbecue will not be something you're going to enjoy.

Anyway, these buns are nothing special. They taste exactly how you'd expect. Like buns. If Bun was a taste these would taste like that. Now, listen to this: These buns have 130 calories. 130 Calories Per Bun, everybody. That's too many. That's too many calories and too many buns. There is 1.6 milligrams of iron in each bun, and 130 calories per. Ridiculous. How could Wonder Bread stoop so low as to offer a 130 calorie, 1.6 milligram iron hot dog bun option? Who approved this? Doug Wonder, CEO of Wonder Bread? No one knows. There is also folic acid in this.

To recap, this bread is nothing special. Sure, if you want a cheap hot dog bun to put hot dogs on, you could buy this. You could also buy a forklift. Sure, they're dramatically more expensive, but you're worth it. Treat yourself. A forklift is sixty times better than this bread. But it's not like this bread bun tastes bad or anything, it just tastes average. It's the average bun. Nothing special. Wonder Bread more like Blunder Bread Am I Right L

Overall bread rating: 9/10

Thanks.

Bob Evans, Pumpkin Bread

It's that time of the season again everyone. And I'm not saying that just because the particular time of season I am referring to has long since passed. I'm saying that because TODAY is everyone's favorite holiday Rattlesnake Roundup Day!!!!! That's right everyone! For celebration of Rattlesnake Roundup Day, I decided to write a bread review concerning rattle snake's favorite type of bread, Pumpkin Bread. This particular pumpkin bread is made by Bob Evans, every rattlesnake's favorite breakfast restaurant.

This pumpkin bread is pretty good, guys. It's got the right amount of pumpkin and the right amount of bread. This bread is the perfect amalgamation of huge orange squash and a Bread. If you have ever gotten the urge to eat a pumpkin and also a bread, this pumpkin bread is perfect for you. This bread has the qualities of both pumpkins and bread. First of all, this bread looks like bread. Secondly, it has a slightly orange tint to it (pumpkin quality). Thirdly, it tastes sort of like pumpkin, but also sort of like bread. Truly a remarkable invention that has captivated the thoughts of rattlesnakes all over the world.

Bob Evans did a great job crafting this bread. However, this bread is a limited edition item. It is usually only available during the Thanksgiving time area in late November. This offends not only me but also my hearing. Bob Evans not only ignores Rattlesnake Roundup Day but not making rattlesnake's favorite bread available during their dedicated holiday, but it affronts the rattlesnakes themselves. If I was a rattlesnake, I would picket Bob Evans until they are forced to renounce their Ohio heritage. They are headquartered in Ohio, after all.

Honestly though, this is a pretty good bread. Much more sugar than the average bread, which may not be to your liking, but it tastes very taste. It's got the bread, it's got the pumpkin, what more could you want? I know what more I could want: rattlesnake appreciation. Pumpkins can grow to be over two thousand pounds in weight, and this bread can grow up to two thousand tastes for your mouth.

Overall bread rating: 9.50/10

Thanks.