Bob Evans, Pumpkin Bread

It's that time of the season again everyone. And I'm not saying that just because the particular time of season I am referring to has long since passed. I'm saying that because TODAY is everyone's favorite holiday Rattlesnake Roundup Day!!!!! That's right everyone! For celebration of Rattlesnake Roundup Day, I decided to write a bread review concerning rattle snake's favorite type of bread, Pumpkin Bread. This particular pumpkin bread is made by Bob Evans, every rattlesnake's favorite breakfast restaurant.

This pumpkin bread is pretty good, guys. It's got the right amount of pumpkin and the right amount of bread. This bread is the perfect amalgamation of huge orange squash and a Bread. If you have ever gotten the urge to eat a pumpkin and also a bread, this pumpkin bread is perfect for you. This bread has the qualities of both pumpkins and bread. First of all, this bread looks like bread. Secondly, it has a slightly orange tint to it (pumpkin quality). Thirdly, it tastes sort of like pumpkin, but also sort of like bread. Truly a remarkable invention that has captivated the thoughts of rattlesnakes all over the world.

Bob Evans did a great job crafting this bread. However, this bread is a limited edition item. It is usually only available during the Thanksgiving time area in late November. This offends not only me but also my hearing. Bob Evans not only ignores Rattlesnake Roundup Day but not making rattlesnake's favorite bread available during their dedicated holiday, but it affronts the rattlesnakes themselves. If I was a rattlesnake, I would picket Bob Evans until they are forced to renounce their Ohio heritage. They are headquartered in Ohio, after all.

Honestly though, this is a pretty good bread. Much more sugar than the average bread, which may not be to your liking, but it tastes very taste. It's got the bread, it's got the pumpkin, what more could you want? I know what more I could want: rattlesnake appreciation. Pumpkins can grow to be over two thousand pounds in weight, and this bread can grow up to two thousand tastes for your mouth.

Overall bread rating: 9.50/10

Thanks.

Outback Steakhouse, Rye Bread

It's that time of the MONTH again. Time for BREAD. And boy does this bread post come at an opportune time, it's CHRISTMAS. That's right folks. Santa's been floating up there in the sky for almost eighteen full hours now. What's he got to lose except his dignity, odor, and house? Everything else, I suppose. Anyway, I'm keeping up with the theme of posting on the big monthly holidays because Why Not. This time I'm looking at another restaurant bread. These breads are the kinds you typically get before your real meal comes, but let's be honest here, you got too full on the bread to finish your meal, and this time it's from Outback Steakhouse.

Ah, Outback Steakhouse. Named after the middle of Australia. The place no one wants to live. No one. Not even Australians. This place is evil. This place is demons. Do not go there. However! Some smart man by the name of BOB BASHAM decided in 1988 to bring the outback to you! He created this nice little restaurant where you could enjoy typical middle-of-the-nowhere-desert foods, such as steak, blooming onions, and a baked potato. Mister Basham also decided that it would be a cool idea to open their first store in Tampa, Florida. So you KNOW they only make good decisions.

Even though their headquarters location may be a bit iffy, their choice of bread to use as a pre-meal snack was NOT. This is some good bread, people. This is a NICE bread. Some might even call this a QUALITY bread. The ONLY thing that tarnishes this bread's reputation is that you have to slice it yourself. You could, of course, just grab the whole dang loaf and take a bite out of that. I am not at all not advocating that. You should one-hundred percent do that absolutely. This bread is worth the pain.

This is a dark bread. This bread is black. This bread is Inky. This bread is Sable? This bread is Stygian? Google says Stygian is a synonym to the color black. Anyway, this bread is darker than your usual bread. It's rye, after all. But it being rye has nothing to do with the color! According to very legitimate sources such as "Food Folks And Fun Dot Net," Outback Steakhouse Bread contains cocoa powder, molasses, and brown food coloring. All the things you want in a bread.

Anyway, the color CERTAINLY adds to its taste, which is also Stygian. And by Stygian I mean good. It's a good bread. This bread tastes good. It's got a very nice, nutty taste. Very good bread. Very good taste. Taste that bread. It's got some like white flakes or something on top or whatever just ignore those. They're taste enhancers. Just remember, you're not liable for anything you've ever done in your life.

Overall bread rating: 9.57/10

Thanks.

Dave's Killer Bread, Powerseed

Oh, boy howdy, gee. Back-to-BACK posts that are on holidays can you believe it. Can you believe it. Last month's post was posted on the Halloween Holiday and this month's post was posted on the Pilgrim Holiday for Pilgrims. Unbelievable. What next? Santa? 😕 Well, another holiday bread review featuring a bread that has nothing to do with the holiday that the review is being posted on. Shocker! This month, we have the POWERSEED variant of the Dave's Killer Bread brand. Talk about a doozy.

Now, I purchased this bread because the packaging just REALLY caught my eye. Not only is there a large, muscular, mustache faced man on the bag, he is also playing what SEEMS to be a GUITAR of AMBIGUOUS MODEL. Now if that's not a reason to purchase a bread, I don't know what is. Also the name: POWERSEED. I imagine it's in reference to guitar power chords which some people may or may not be familiar with, but I like to think that the name really resembles the Socioeconomic Status of the person who purchases this bread. This loaf is six dollars.

This was honestly a pretty good bread. I admit, the packaging is what sold the product for me, but the bread is definitely nothing to scoff at either. Also, it includes the best ever danger label: Now THAT'S a POWERFUL SENTENCE. Perfect for the POWERSEED model of bread that this is. "Contains: Wheat." What an absolute power move. Also on the nutrition label, it says that the serving size is "1 ea," and it's anyone's guess what the crap that's supposed to mean. I assume it means 1 serving for each slice of bread, but then just below that it says "Servings Per Container 17," Now Wait Here Just A Gosh Darn Minute. You mean to tell me that there are 17 slices of bread in this package? I KNOW that's a false statement because I PURCHASED this bread and made EXACTLY nine sandwiches with this bread. I KNOW THAT. Now, I admit there could have been one or three or some other odd number of instances where I got up in the middle of the night in a coma-induced haze and ate a slice of bread without committing those actions to memory. So, either there is one slice of bread that has zero calories, or I'm a liar. Both are equally likely.

Now, let me tell you something right here and now. This bread is DENSE. This is a dense bread. There's a lotta bread in there. Each slice packs a particularly Dense punch of bread. "There's a lot of bread in that there slice," I would often think to myself while eating this bread. Ever eat a Popeye's biscuit and you take a small bite it basically fills your entire lungs with freaking biscuit. Well, it's kind of like that only not as dry. This is a dense bread.

Overall, I enjoyed this bread. It's got quite a bit of seeds littering the top of the loaf, as the name POWERSEED suggests. It's got 'em! The bread is pretty tasty, despite being dense. The color is what most would generally consider to be Bread Color. And the logo is just Great. Just Great. Should you wish to try this bread for yourself, I must warn you: Wheat.

Overall bread rating: 9.59/10

Thanks.

Pepperidge Farm, Whole Grain

Okay guys, look. I know it's Halloween right now. I know, okay? I didn't get around to finding a spooky Halloween flavored bread to review. I'm sorry. This is but a normal bread review. However! As you may have noticed! I put a spooky skeleton next to the bread image! Surely that will put us all in the Halloween spirit for this completely normal and not haunted bread review post. This bread review post is not haunted. Anything paranormal you see in this post is due to a problem on your end. This is a completely normal, not haunted bread review.

Now you may be wondering, "why did you wait until Halloween to post this completely not haunted bread review about a normal type of bread Mister...?" Well the answer to that question is simple. No, I'm not telling you my name, and any feeble attempt to get me to divulge it to you will not win you any pity points with me. Secondly, I intended to purchase a spooky bread type, like perhaps bread in the shape of a zombie or something. However, I decided against this because I felt that it would make the post haunted. Maybe even the entire blog. This was my only reason for doing so, and it was not at all because I was too lazy to go buy bread.

Anyway, let's get on with discussing today's bread. This month, we've got another Pepperidge Farm brand bread. This time, though, it's whole wheat. FIFTEEN GRAINS. By golly, that's a lot of grains. And this bread will let you know about it, too. As soon as you open the bread bag, you'll be bombarded by loose seeds at a rate not seen on this continent since the American Revolutionary War. What are these seeds, exactly? Well, I initially suspected that it would be mostly oats or perhaps sesame seeds. HOWEVER. This bread apparently comes topped with Sunflower Seeds. I'm not kidding. The ingredients list Sunflower Seeds. Oats are also in there but after the sunflower seeds.

Regardless of the seed content of this bread, it's actually pretty good. The slices are nice and hefty, and it's pretty dense. You get a lot of bang for your buck with this bread. This bread is thick enough to support itself when you apply jelly to a slice. You know, like how normally when you're trying to spread jelly over a slice of bread with a spoon but the jelly is too thick to spread well so you have to apply more pressure to get it to spread which like smooshes the bread because the bread is too weak to handle this high pressure situation of getting jelly spread across it so it leaves like this stupid dent in the middle of this bread slice and your sandwich is hollow and your day is ruined? Yeah, well with this bread you don't have to worry about it. This bread can support itself. It's strong and independent.

As always, I like to touch on the iron content of the bread. Apparently, each slice of bread contains 6% of your daily iron intake, which is 1.1 milligrams apparently. So, if you eat fifty slices of this bread in one sitting, you'll become an iron bar. Pretty cool. Also, this bread is really dark brown in color. You can really tell this bread has G R A I N S. The dark brown really makes it look like G R A I N S.

Overall, this is a really nice bread. I did not come into this bread with high hopes after the Blueberry Swirl was somewhat disappointing. This bread was a pleasant surprise. And we didn't even get haunted! I know we all would have liked to have me review a spooky bread flavor this year, but I think avoiding being haunted was well worth the substitution.

Overall bread rating: 9.848/10

Thanks.

Sara Lee, Artesano Bakery Bread Original

Oh gee oh boy howdy oh goodness it's that time of the month already. And by already I mean It's The Last Day Of September Folks. Look, we've had first day of the month posts before. You should have seen last day of the month posts coming. Really, this is all your fault. Anyway, we got us a nice normal bread to review today. That bread is Sara Lee's Artesano Bakery Bread Origninal. Who is Sara Lee you ask? Probably not this person. That's a hyperlink by the way. In case you're blind.

This Sara Lee bread is a nice bread when you consider it comes from Sara Lee, a well known name in the bread industry. Had I heard of Ms. Lee before purchasing this bread? Nope. Will I hear of Ms. Lee after this review? Probably also no. You just can't expect much from Sara Lee these days, or any days. However, this Artesano Bakery Bread is nothing to scoff at. Seriously, don't scoff at it. 

This bread is pretty nice, actually. The slices are pretty wide, and the insides are nice and Tasty. The top of this bread was also covered in like a powder of some sort. It looked like powdered sugar, but I'm almost positive it Wasn't. The bread is a pretty nice golden brown as well. This bread is very good as a sandwich bread or a bread to just like eat or whatever. And, according to Google Translate, the word 'artesano' is Spanish for Artisan. If that's not some sort of black magic trickery i don't know what is. 

According to the nutritional facts on this bread, one service size is only one slice, and one slice has 100 total calories. That's 200 calories per two slices people. Two Hundred Bread Calories Per Sandwich. And You Can Bet Your Bottom Dollar Those Calories Aren't Coming From The Iron Because:

Overall, I'd say this is a pretty good bread. It's got a nice taste, texture, and fan fiction. It also has a cool Spanish word in the name for a nice Ethnic Twist. So it's gotta get some extra points for that right. Okay I'll be honest here. I have to come clean. My cat may have eaten a hole in this bread's bag before I had a chance to try it. Like half of the slices were smashed. And the slices near the hole have hardened pretty badly since they're exposed to the air. So I've only been able to try like two sandwich worths of this bread. I hope you don't think less of me for this. 

Overall bread rating: 9.498/10

Thanks.

Pepperidge Farm, Blueberry Swirl

Hello and welcome yes welcome hello yes it's time for a Late August Month Bread Post. And boy howdy do I have a treat for you today. For the first time EVER on this here bread blog I'm gonna be reviewing a SWEET DELICIOUS TREAT type bread instead of the normal savory grain bread. This takes the form of Pepperidge Farm's Blueberry Swirl bread. And they are Not Lying when they say blueberry. This thing has blueberries in it. Ever slice, there's bound to be at least one blueberry. Once you purchase your own loaf bag on Blueberry Swirl Bread from Pepperidge Farm, you receive 12 wholesome slices of Bread with Embedded Blueberries. Listen folks, this bread has 10 milligrams of Calcium in it, per slice. Don't eat this if you're weak boned, because it probably won't help you.

Okay, now I'm going to be honest with you here, guys. The bread itself is kind of rubbery. I know, I know. I was shocked myself. I mean, it's not terrible. Just a little more on the chewy side of the bread spectrum. And I'm not really sure why that is. I'm no culinary expert, but I'm pretty sure adding blueberries to a bread loaf is gonna make it less bready. Oh, have you ever had those little bags of blueberry mini-muffins? This bread tastes pretty much exactly like those. This is basically a loaf of muffin. Looking at the ingredients, this baby's got watermelon juice concentrate. Not a dang clue why. And, listen folks, this bread has 10 milligrams of Calcium in it, per slice. Don't eat this if you're weak boned, because it probably won't help you.

The color of this bread is overall pretty dark. The very top of the loaf is slightly lighter, and that's to be expected because of gravity. Okay you know what I can't keep up this charade any longer gravity plays no role in the lightness of different sides of bread loafs I'm sorry. I have deceived my readers for too long, and I will no longer stand for it. This bread has a dark bottom and a light top and that's all there is to it.

I really don't have much else to say about this bread. It's pretty good, I guess. I probably won't buy it again. There are many better options for bread and foods with embedded blueberries. Like I could go buy one of those four packs of the large homemade blueberry muffins, and then a loaf of the Brownberry Oatnut bread, blend those ingredients together in my 1979 Industrial Grade 'Food Destruction' Blender, and then bake it. Blueberry Bread Babey.

Overall bread rating: 9/10

Thanks.

New York Bakery, Texas Toast Garlic

 

Happy Fourth of July you sorry bunch of rodents. And, yes, I know the Fourth of July was twelve days ago. It's time for everyone's favorite time of the month again. That's right. It's Breadwind Time. This time on the docket, we've got New York Bakery's Texas Toast (Garlic Edition). Now, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. You're saying to yourself, in a much louder than normal talking voice, which is strange considering you're alone sitting at a computer, "WHY, ON, EARTH, ARE YOU REVIEWING TEXAS TOAST FROM NEW YORK BAKERY AGAIN. YOU ALREADY DID THAT. YOU IDIOT." Listen. I get it. You're frustrated. You've had a long day. The last thing you want to do is read another review about the same Bread-Based product. HOWEVER. THIS IS MUCH DIFFERENT. Those other ones were CROUTONS. CROUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTONNNNNNNNNNNNNNS. These are just freaking toasts.

Anyway, New York Bakery Texas Toast (ft. Garlic) is a pretty good bread. It's Frozen. It's Frozen bread. You smack two or ten of these babies on a pan and put them in the oven for like five minutes. Literally. They keep saying "Ready in 4-5 minutes" in their product description. Here, I'll count how many times they specifically mention 4 to 5 minutes. It's twelve. Twelve times. They mention the cook time of this toast being 4-5 minutes a grand total of twelve whole times. If that's not the sign of a good bread I Don't Know What Is. 

This bread is pretty yellow, all things considered. You can definitely taste the garlic cameo on this toast. It's nice. The crust is very crunchy, and the insides are pretty gooey when cooked correctly. All in all, the eating experience of this bread toast Texas is an A+. The taste is also pretty swell. As I mentioned before, there is garlic. Make no mistake, you can taste that. You can also taste the tastiness of this tasteful toast Texas Bread. This bread is Pretty Darn Good all things considered.

Per container, you receive a nice sample of Eight Slices Of Frozen Texas Toast. That's good enough for eight total services. However, the geniuses over at the Genius Nutritional Facts Committee decided to measure serving size in grams. Grams. 40 grams is the serving size for this product. What does that mean? you may be asking yourself. Not even Einstein himself could answer this question.

Overall Bread Rating: 9.2225/10

Thanks.